Catweazle s01e07 - The Telling Bone

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Background- Catweazle, a magician of the black arts from 1066 escapes the invading Normans chasing him through the woods by jumping into a lake , and miraculously time travels to 1970 England . He is befriended by Edward Bennett , a young lad living on a farm with his dad. Edward known as Carrot because of his hair and Catweazle have numerous adventures as the 11th Century magician hopes desperately to return home.
This follows on from the previous episode where we had a sort of cliffhanging ending. Link below to that episode.
 
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A dispirited Carrot climbs into Catweazle's water tank home of Castle Saburac, no sign of him since he mysteriously vanished after the Mrs Derringer escapade ( s01e06).
Ct " Catweazle? I know you're somewhere "
( Robin Davies is Carrot)
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Meanwhile at Hexwood Farm George and Sam are busy unloading bags of grain from jeep.
G " Carrot's disappeared again, don't know where he gets to"
S " he said he'd be back for supper"
G " I wish some other boys lived near"
S " oh I reckon he's happy enough on his own"
G " he's been very odd since tea"
S " oh kids are funny you know, they don't tell you much "
Bud Tingwell and Neil McCarthy are George and Sam.
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Carrot in Castle Saburac;
Ct " you may not be here in Castle Saburac but you've got to be somewhere. I mean you can't have magiced yourself into the past. Bet you get the spell wrong anyway"
Catweazle sure did get it wrong, he is clinging for dear life on top of a church spire.
C" NOTHING WORKS "
Geoffrey Bayldon is Catweazle.
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A crowd has gathered below in the churchyard, the vicar turns up.
V " stand back..he might be going to jump"
Wilkins the vicarage gardener is at the head of the crowd.
W " he's not going to jump, it's one of those publicity stunts if you ask me"
V ( curtly) " Wilkins?!
W " next thing one of them helicopters will come and drop down packets of cornflakes "
V " that's enough, I'm going up , get a ladder"
W " I'll get the police "
V " you'll do no such thing, the man is on my spire, I shall deal with it. ( shouting up)..don't do anything foolish, we can talk this over. I'm coming up, whatever you do don't jump"
Brian Wilde is the vicar, Harry Hutchinson is Wilkins.
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At Hexwood George takes a quizzical look at Sam's new car, a vintage banger parked in the yard.
G " are you sure that things legal?"
S " I paid £100 for her"
G " they must have seen you coming "
S " she's a jolly good little runner. She'll do 40 down Longview Hill"
G " you can do 40 down Longview Hill in a wheelbarrow "
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At the church the Vicar and Wilkins are on the roof, a ladder up against the spire, the Vicar halfway up it, Wilkins holding it...sort of.
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V " is it trouble with the police? Or financial difficulties?"
Catweazle shakes head,
V " whatever the problem is it can be solved "
The ladder wobbles,
V ( to Wilkins) " hold it firm you fool"
W " it's no good trying to shift him Vicar, he's made up his mind to be awkward "
C ( shouts) "salmy dalmy adonay let me fly let me fly"
V " I really would advise against any attempt to fly"
C " viniti vinitus spiritus "
V " oh..ve vimus ve vimus...I mean where there's life there's hope old chap. If you would come down onto terra firma things may look different, I mean nil desperandum old chap "
Catweazle perks up hearing Latin,
C " does thou follow the path?"
V " well I try to, narrow though it is "
C " I have failed "
V " oh we all do, sometimes though it can be a blessing in disguise. ( to Wilkins) keep it still it's wobbling "
C " art thou my brother?"
V " oh yes of course "
C " will thou show me thy book?"
V " gladly, I'll give you a copy"
C " then I will descend "
V " thank goodness for that "
 
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At Hexwood,
G " if you want to get going Sam"
S " thanks boss "
George walks off, Sam tries to start motor, it won't start ,
S " you would wouldn't you "
Sam gets out carrying starting handle when Carrot turns up on bike, he is looking glum.
Ct " trouble Sam?"
S " no no she's running perfect, just a bit cold that's all"
Ct " won't she start?"
S " no!"
Ct " need a push?"
S " no thanks Carrot, she ought to start on her own, can't keep pushing her. Where have you been anyway, your Dad's been after you, been to the woods again?"
Ct " yeah"
S " still playing at your magic"
Ct ( sadly) " no Sam not anymore "
S " never mind, cheer up old son, give me a hand here "
Ct " will it take long?"
S " no, only a couple of minutes "
Ct " alright "
 

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At the vicarage Catweazle is shown in and offered seat by vicar.
V " come in, sit down, ah...not there that's Shirley Temple's, don't know where she's got to, went out half an hour ago with Spencer Tracey....ah talk of the devil"
C " which devil?!
The vicar points to a tabby cat on armchair, he picks it up.
V( strokes cat) " puss puss puss ...there's Laurel and Hardy over there ( points to more cats sitting on a foot rest)"
C " what is this place?"
V " my Bishop calls it Hollywood. Not really a cat's home, they just sort of gravitate to the vicarage like magic"
C " cat's bring magic"
V " and they're so glamorous aren't they, hence the names. Do sit down "
Catweazle sits opposite the Vicar.
V " now let's hear all about your troubles "
C " I too have a familiar spirit, ( takes out toad) see."
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V " I say a splendid chap isn't he, how long have you had him?"
C " 900 years, I invoked the spirits "
V " er...did you "
C " but it was in vain, I flew not back in time, but sideways to thy tower"
V ( humouring) " what a disappointment for you. Where did this journey begin?"
C " by the farm at Hexwood "
V " ah Hexwood by Westbourne, do you work there?"
C "no I work at Castle Saburac "
V " Castle Saburac? I thought I knew all the villages round here, (looks through telephone book) I really must find out who you belong to"

Back at Hexwood Sam is on his back underneath the car, Carrot looks on,
S " three quarter inch spanner"
Carrot hands spanner,
S " not that one, the ring spanner. A pity I was going to take you for a spin this afternoon. How about it eh? When I get her going"
Ct " sure, I better go tell Dad I'm back"
 
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V ( looking at book) " ah here it is, Hexwood Farm, George Bennett 5839"
At Hexwood the phone in the hall rings, Carrot answers it.
Ct " hello"
V ( phone) " hello "
Catweazle assumes he is being spoken to,
C " hello"
V ( to catw) " sshh..( phone) ..who is that speaking?"
C " tis I "
Ct " ( phone)" Hexwood Farm "
V " could I speak to Mr Bennett "
C " I know not "
V ( to catw) "ssshh.( phone)..my name is Potts"
C " ssshhh..my name is Catweazle "
V " will you be quiet!..( phone) ..sorry I didn't mean you, I'm the vicar at Bandon "
C " and I am Catweazle "
Ct " hold on a minute..( calling)..Dad."
V ( to catw) " he's gone to get him"
Catweazle approaches cautiously he is beginning to realise he's not being addressed .
At Hexwood George takes phone, Carrot listening.
G " George Bennett here"
V " ah hello Mr Bennett, this is the vicar at Bandon I wonder if you could help me"
No, Catweazle hasn't quite realised yet, and chimes in ,
C " ask me anything my brother "
V ( phone) "I've got a man here with me, he's out of his mind"
Catweazle spins around, he can't see anyone !!
G ( phone) " what's that, you'll have to speak up"
V " it's very difficult he's here in the room with me"
Catweazle gets his witch knife out,
C " oh invisible demon, I bid thee appear "
V " put that knife away "
G " is he attacking you!?"
V " no no I think he's harmless "
C " oh if he's a friendly demon all is well"
G " who is he?"
V " well he is an old man"
G " what old man"
V " is there a village or hamlet near you called Castle Saburac?"
G ( puzzled) " Castle Saburac?"
Carrot smiles..
G " not round here"
V " are you sure, he says he comes from near your farm, I was hoping you could identify him"
Catweazle at last twigs,
C " why speakest thou to that bone?"
V " phone not bone"
G ( to Carrot) " I think they're both mad "
V " the man needs help"
Catweazle grabs phone,
C( phone) " if thou art a demon I will destroy thee"
Vicar grabs phone back,
V " sorry about that "
G " look vicar, we'll soon get this sorted out, Bandon you say"
V " that's right thank you "
The barmy phone call ends, George turns to Carrot.
G " he says there's an old chap who knows me or something and that he's gone potty. I suppose I better go round and see what it's all about"
Ct ( enthusiastically) " now?"
G " well hold on, I can't go in my work clothes, I'll get changed "
George goes upstairs.
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Sam finally gets the car going, Carrot runs out shouting as Sam starts to drive off.
Ct " SAM...SAM.."
S " see got her started"
Ct " what about the spin?".
S " now?"
Ct " yes now "
S " alright you're on, get in, where do you want to go?"
Ct " Bandon....Bandon church"
The car just about goes away down the lane, spluttering and smoking as it chugs away.

A little while later Sam stops at a cottage, his home, his mother opens front door.
Mrs W" where are you off to?"
S " Bandon mother"
Mrs W " what for?"
S " taking Mr Bennett's boy to look at the church "
Mrs W " I'll get my coat"
S ( desperately ) " you don't have to come mother "
Sam gets out muttering,
S " can't do a thing with her, she always has to come"
Mrs Woodyard walks up path to car.
Mrs W " time you weeded this path"
S " yes Mother "
Sam tries to help her into car, she brushes him away,
Mrs W " I ain't one of your fancy girls, hello Edward "
Ct "hello Mrs Woodyard " , and then Carrot pulls a face behind her back.
S " keep your fingers crossed "
Ct " fingers crossed "
The car starts fine,
Mrs W " not too fast Sam"
S " no mother "
Hazel Croppen is Mrs Woodyard.
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At the vicarage Catweazle is putting the phone receiver up to his ear,
V " oh do stop playing with the telephone "
C " I hear no voices....tis electrickery?"
V " course it is now put it down"
C " O great magician summon more voices with thy telling bone "
The vicar places receiver back on cradle, much to Catweazle's annoyance.

Meanwhile Sam, Carrot and Mrs Woodyard are heading towards Bandon.
S " look Carrot, nearly 35"
Ct " can you get any more out of it?"
Sam sees his mother asleep in the passenger seat, he nods to Carrot and the car goes a little faster , spluttering as it does so.

Catweazle is not happy,
C ( angry) " thy lying false sorcerer, conjure more voices "
V " don't get excited again "
C " conjure more voices "
V " keep calm, it's only the phone I tell you"
C " thou will not share thy knowledge, the young wizard at Hexwood is my true brother"
V " listen old chap, all I want to do is help you, I've phoned up Hexwood and your friend is coming to take you home "
C " thou speakest truly, I see him"
The vicar looks out the window ,
V " oh...I can't "
C " no..( points to own forehead) I see him here"
V " oh..er...quite so"
 
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Sam and Carrot arrive at the church, Mrs Woodyard still asleep. Sam and Carrot talk quietly,
S " how long you going to be Carrot?"
Ct " about ten minutes, why don't you go to the pub"
S " sounds like a good idea, I'll see you back here"
Sam leaves, Carrot sees the gardener Wilkins.
Ct " which way to the vicarage?"
W " straight up the path to your right"
Ct " thanks "
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Carrot runs up path to vicarage, then decides to quietly sneak around to side of house, spying through a window he sees Catweazle and Potts ( vicar) in animated conversation.
Carrot runs back to car and wakes up Mrs Woodyard.
Ct " Mrs Woodyard Mrs Woodyard "
Mrs W ( wakes) " what's the matter "
Ct " where's Sam?"
Mrs W " why, isn't he with you"
Ct " I thought he'd be back by now"
Mrs W " why , where's he gone"
Ct " the vicarage "
Mrs W " what's he gone there for?"
Ct " don't know...said he had to see the vicar to arrange things "
Mrs W " WHAT...MY SAM..did he have a young woman with him?"
Ct " don't know, didn't see one"
Mrs W " I'll put a stop to this "
Mrs Woodyard marches determinedly up to vicarage, Carrot waits then runs back to side of house to see Catweazle and Potts arguing.
C " give me the secret of the telling bone thy simpering sagpot "
VP " you're getting worked up again "
C " thy black beehive!"
The doorbell rings, Potts quickly runs out locking Catweazle in.
Catweazle alone now picks up telephone receiver,
C " now the telling bone is mine"
With his witch knife he cuts cord and hides receiver in robe.
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Potts opens front door to see Mrs Woodyard
VP " hello "
Mrs W " vicar, where is Sam"
VP " oh that's his name, in my study getting very excited you know "
Mrs W " is he indeed"
VP " I've had a terrible time with him"
Mrs W " he didn't tell me he was going to do it"
VP " they never do you know, not when they really mean it "
Mrs W " but he could have told me, I would have understood, I am his mother "
VP " yes....WHAT!!"

Carrot raps on the glass window, Catweazle comes over,
Ct (points) " lift it up, the window,...there "
Catweazle hasn't a clue, Carrot makes a lifting gesture with hands, Catweazle flaps arms.
Ct " no..no..hold that sill ....now lift up"
Catweazle does this the window raises, Catweazle climbs out.
Ct " come on.."
Meanwhile,
Mrs W " he's mad you say"
VP " great scott....."
Mrs W " what's the matter?"
VP " I've locked him in there with Shirley Temple "
The vicar runs back in, Mrs Woodyard can't make head nor tail of this and heads back to car.
 

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Carrot hides Catweazle on floor of car at the back covered with a blanket.
Ct " stay there, and stay quiet "
Sam returns,
S " where's mother?"
Ct " she woke up and wanted to know where you were"
S " what did you tell her?"
Ct " the vicarage "
S " why did you want to tell her that for"
Ct " sounds better than the pub"
Mrs Woodyard returns,
Mrs W " what have you been up to?"
S " nothing mother "
Mrs W " somebody is telling lies, I haven't got to the bottom of it yet but I will."
Carrot knows his father will be here soon so,
Ct " can we go back a different way?"
S " good idea Carrot, fingers crossed "
Ct " they're crossed "
The car starts up okay.
A few minutes after they've gone, George Bennett arrives in his jeep, Potts returns to front door puzzled, no Mrs Woodyard, and no Catweazle inside either. George comes up path.
VP " he's gone"
G " the man you phoned me about "
VP " oh you're Bennett, yes, he just vanished, do come in"
They go into main room,
G " what was he like?"
VP " peculiar very peculiar, quite mad, mad as a march hare. I wonder if this woman was part of a plot to get me out of the vicarage...( shocked)....the monthly offering "
G " vicar if you could explain what you're on about "
VP " of course that's why she came, to give him an opportunity to make his getaway "
Potts opens the safe, even more puzzled,
VP " no...everything seems to be intact...we must call the police "
He goes to pick up phone, no receiver, just the cord.
VP " he's taken it with him"
 

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Sam's car didn't make it back , it's broken down, Sam is underneath making repairs, Mrs Woodyard asleep again, Carrot opens door quietly and ushers Catweazle out.
Catweazle runs off into woods.
S( voice from under car) " this run seems to have done you some good Carrot "
Ct " it has?"
S " you seem back to your old self"
Catweazle arrives at a clearing in woods, takes out phone receiver and stares in wonder, then off to home, up ladder and climbs down into Castle Saburac his water tank home, he sits contemplating recent events, Touchwood his toad next to him on a crate.
C " ah Touchwood it's hard to learn all the mysteries, I went sideways not back....mayhap one day we shall return to our own time "
He takes telephone receiver, places it on ear.
C " come telling bone whisper to me all the magic of this strange time. Are you there spirits....are you there?"

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THE END
 
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