Rising Damp- s02e05 - The Perfect Gentleman

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70's comedy about the goings-on in a seedy bed-sit house. The lascivious landlord Rigsby hovers over his tenants, mostly students, staying here while studying at Uni , set in Northern England.
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Medical student Alan goes into Rigsby's downstairs flat, seething with anger. Rigsby is polishing shoes.
R " what's the matter with you?"
A " I've got a complaint"
R " I'm not surprised, you should eat more fresh vegetables"
A " I'm talking about Seymour, he's monopolising the bathroom again"
R " no he's not"
A " he's been in there for hours"
R " well, you can't expect him to just dash in and out, not Seymour"
A " he's reading the paper, I could hear him turning the pages"
R " ah, he's probably reading the financial section, he's thinking of getting out of gilt edged"
A " I'm glad he's thinking of getting out of somewhere. I wish he'd get out of the bathroom"
R " look, he's not like you you know. He's got a lot on his mind , as a matter of fact he's very concerned about his Krugerrands"
A " he's not looking at them in there is he? Does he want a medical opinion?"
R " medical opinion!?, don't you know what krugerrands are?"
A " of course I know!, I know he hasn't got any, had to borrow money for the gas meter"
R " my God! Hasn't taken you long has it"
A " for what?"
R " to show your resentment. Just because he had a public school education, just because he's a gentleman"
A ( derisively) " a gentleman"
R " yes a gentleman, I knew that word would stick in your throat. He's got breeding"
A " so has our cocker spaniel but we don't let him take over the bathroom"
Leonard Rossiter is Rigsby;
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R " you have a typical working class reaction"
A " wait a minute, how d' you know I haven't got breeding"
R "( laughs) " you! You haven't got breeding"
A " why not?"
R " because you suffer from one great disadvantage, you're common"
A ( angry)" I'm not common, what makes you think I'm common"
R " you eat with your mouth open"
A" so does everyone, what do you expect me to do, stuff it in my ears!"
R " no, but once it's in there that's the last we should see of it. You're like the back of a dust cart, your teeth rotate"
A " that's charming, how long have you been watching me like this"
R " you see it's these little things that give you away in civilised society. That and covering everything in tomato sauce. I can imagine the confusion at the high table with you shouting for the sauce bottle and wiping your butter knife on the tablecloth"
A " I don't wipe my butter knife on the tablecloth"
R " you wouldn't even know which way to pass the port, assuming you let go of it. Now I've made a point of studying these things"
A " of course you've got breeding haven't you Rigsby"
R " you've noticed then, keep this to yourself, but my grandfather was a bastard"
A " you mean he was cruel to you"
R " no I mean he was a real bastard, he was the natural son of .....someone"
A " who?"
R " can't tell you that, suffice to say I'm related to one of the most powerful families in this country."
A " I don't believe it"
R " it's true, how else do you think grandad got the horse and cart, hush money. I shall never want, I've only got to show up at the drawbridge, they'd recognize the family features and I'd be made"
A " yeah, sure"
R " you're only jealous because I've got a dash of nobility in me"
A " how can you tell?"
R " it's in the blood. I've only got to hear the hunting horn and I feel my ears pricking, my nostrils begin to twitch and I'm away"
A " sounds like you've got a dash of foxhound in you!"
R " you can laugh but I've always known I was different. It's the same when the royal coach goes by, She sees me, and our eyes meet and she waves that little bit longer. I know what she's thinking, she's thinking, he's one of us"
A " don't you mean, one of them"
R " no I bloody don't, I've always felt at ease with the gentry. It's the same with Seymour, we took to each other at once. I'm glad he's come here, I can enjoy some civilised conversation"
A " ah, you're hoping he'll get you into the golf club"
Richard Beckinsale is Alan;
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Philip, a black law student walks into Rigsby's room
P " Rigsby what are you going to do about Seymour, he's in the bathroom again"
R " not you too, you flew into a rage yesterday just because he borrowed your soap"
P " Rigsby, he's a scrounger"
R " he's not a scrounger, he came here at short notice, forget to pack a few things that's all"
A " Rigsby won't hear a word against him, he'll do anything for him, he's getting special treatment"
R " hey, no one can accuse me of having favourites. I treat everyone the same"
Seymour enters, he is a middle aged gentleman, a bland exterior, but a certain hardness about him.
S " ah there you are Rigsby, have you finished the shoes?"
Rigsby hands Seymour the shoes looking a bit sheepish.
S " you've got a nice shine on them Rigsby. Jolly decent of you"
Seymour turns to Philip.
S " bootaka umboto mwadi untoto"
Seymour leaves.
P " I wish he wouldn't keep talking to me like that, I can't understand a word"
A " did you see that, he's even shining his shoes for him"
Don Warrington is Philip;
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R " you resent him Philip because he was in Africa, you hold him responsible for our colonial past. Well he got malaria working for your lot, the least you can do is make him feel at home"
P " what do you want me to do, take his letters up in a cleft stick?"
R." There was a time when you'd have been glad of Seymour Bwana. What happened when you wanted the tigers killing, who did you send for then?"
P " we didn't send for anyone Rigsby, we don't have tigers in Africa"
R " yes ...er..that's thanks to men like Seymour. He protected you, Seymour Bwana and his stick that spoke thunder, who represented the great white mother across the sea, who stopped you eating each other and shrinking heads, who sorted out your little problems"
P" my little problem at the moment is how to get back the five pounds I lent him"
A " you see, he's a conman"
R " no he's not, I can judge character, he's genuine"
A " then why is he always short of money?"
R "that's because of your lot, the left, bled him white, crippled him with death duties. When he came home from Africa he found the estate in ruins. He got dry rot in the panelling, moths in the tapestry and the moat dried up. And where were his faithful retainers, clocking on at the car factory. That's why he had to get a job."
A " what job?"
R " he's a financial consultant"
A " I wouldn't trust him with my finances"
R " what finances"
P " has he paid the rent yet?"
R " well...no"
A " I thought not"
P " I thought you always asked for it in advance"
A " you won't get it Rigsby"
R " of course I will, I only have to ask"
A " go on then ask him, I bet you don't get it. I bet he makes an excuse about mislaying his chequebook"
R " okay, I'll ask him"
Rigsby leaves.
 

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Rigsby enters Seymour's room.
R " ah Seymour...oh I see you're getting ready to go out, I can come back"
S " No, no come in old boy, always glad to see you. I look forward to our little chats"
R " so do I Seymour. I don't often have the chance to talk to someone like you. Someone I respect, who'll pay his rent promptly"
S " that's just the way I feel .As soon as I saw you Rigsby I felt this rapport. I thought there's a chap I could have a good yarn with"
R " well I feel I can talk to you Seymour"
S " that's a damn nice thing to say Rigsby"
R " well I don't want you to think I'm just someone who comes up for the rent"
S " no of course not. The fact is you don't seem like an ordinary landlord to me, they're usually money grabbing mercenary types. You're different, you've got style Rigsby"
R " probably the way I hold my coffee cup, it's things like that that give you away. But for an accident of birth, who knows, we could have been chums"
S " ah, I thought so"
R " we could have shared our tuck together, held rags in the dormitory, after that Oxford, dreaming spires, punting on the Isis, chatting up birds from Lady Margaret's and back to Balliol for tea and crumpets"
S " but it wasn't to be Rigsby"
R " no....never got passed the eleven plus"
S " you know Rigsby you'll have to come down and spend the weekend with us sometime"
R ( gushing) " wow, at the Manor? I should like that Seymour, you're sure your lady wife wouldn't mind?"
S " of course not, we can put you in the Chinese room"
R " the Chinese room, you mean the four poster bed. I shall have to get a new cord for my pyjamas now. Wait until I tell the others, they'll be green with envy"
Henry McGee is Seymour.
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S " I wouldn't say anything to them. I know they resent me. Philip has been giving me some very black looks"
R "well, he couldn't give you any others really"
S " it hurts Rigsby, I gave them the best years of my life. Twenty years I spent out there, and do you know what thanks I got, the natives peed in the drinking water, I never got over it"
R " I'm not surprised"
S " and then there's that other one, the one with the long hair, looks like a bloody red to me"
R " you've put your finger on it there, he wont be satisfied until we're all swinging from the nearest lamppost"
S " yes, that's typical, their answer to everything, mindless violence, they should be put up against a wall and shot. Well, I must be off Rigsby"
Seymour goes to leave,
R " where is it tonight Seymour?"
S " golf club, thought I might pick up a few investors . I've some very attractive stocks to sell......I suppose you've got your little pile safely invested Rigsby?"
R " oh yes"
S " Shell, Unilever, ICI?"
R " no...saving stamps actually"
S " do you play golf Rigsby"
R " erm...no never got round to golf"
S " you'll have to come out with me sometime. You'll soon pick it up"
R " yes, well I've always had a feeling for the game, did very well at the sea front at Skegness, .....until I got stuck in one of those little windmills"
S " splendid, well I must fly"
R " Seymour I hope you don't mind me mentioning this, the rent...hope that's okay ."
S " of course Rigsby, you should have asked sooner, completely slipped my mind"
Seymour pats his suit pockets,
S " ah, left my chequebook at the office. Isn't that silly of me. See you later Rigsby"
Seymour leaves, Rigsby disconsolately follows to see Alan in the landing grinning.
A " told you"
 

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Alan and Rigsby go into the attic flat that Philip and Alan share. Philip is looking concerned, checking his pockets.
P " that's funny I can't find my wallet, I'm sure I had it in this jacket."
A " are you sure?"
P " I had it earlier"
A " did you have it when Seymour came in downstairs"
P " you don't think..."
A " well, he did brush passed you"
Rigsby is aghast.
R " my god, you don't care do you, that's slander"
A " we don't know anything about him, only that he's borrowed money and not paid his rent. We could search his room"
R " no! You bloody won't"
P " perhaps we should call the police"
R " er......no..we don't want them around here. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to take a look. We could be proving his innocence"
They go into Seymour's room, Alan opens the wardrobe and removes a jacket and hands it to Philip.
A " right, slit the lining out of that"
R " don't you dare , if he finds out I'll never be able to look him in the eyes again."
Unfortunately Seymour walks in,
S " what's going on here?"
Alan ( looking into wardrobe) " this wallet's gone missing and....."
Alan turns to see Seymour,
A " oh... Seymour"
S" and you suspect me?"
All " no no Seymour"
A " everyone is under suspicion"
S " but most of it falls on me, I quite understand, I'm new here. Perhaps you'd like to search me?"
R " not necessary really"
S " I'd be happier if you did, in fact I insist"
Alan gingerly gives Seymour a gentle frisking, lightly patting Seymour's jacket pockets.
A " no, not there"
S " what about you Alan?"
A " me!?"
S " well you did say everyone is under suspicion"
Seymour stands behind Alan and frisks him.
S " hello...what's this?"
In Seymour's hand is a wallet.
S " is this it?"
P.( surprised) " yes..it is"
Seymour gives Alan a hard stare.
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Seymour is his room when he hears a loud bang on the door. He opens it and a golf ball flies into the room. Rigsby is there, club in hand.
R " sorry about that Seymour, didn't know you were going to open the door"
S " what are you doing?"
R " just getting in a bit of practice"
S " don't want to be critical old man, but shouldn't you do that outside"
R " thought I'd iron out the rough spots first, don't want to look a complete idiot on the first tee"
Rigsby swings the club.
R " what d' you think?"
S " backswing is a bit short"
R " got to be careful Seymour, I've hit the cat twice. Mind you I think I'm improving, I can now pitch seven out of ten into the downstairs lavatory from the landing"
S " I can see you'll be an excellent addition to our foursome Rigsby. The mayor is dying to meet you"
R ( gushing) " the mayor!!, you play golf with the mayor. I wonder if he could get my paving slabs done. You've certainly cracked it Seymour, only been here five minutes and you're playing golf with the mayor. I suppose it's the old school tie, I suppose they've all bared the left breast"
S" eh!!?"
R " rolled up the trouser leg, and exchanged the magic word Boaz"
S " oh I see, you can't expect me to discuss masonic matters Rigsby"
R " it won't be too expensive this golf , will it?"
S " you can afford it Rigsby"
R " it's just that I haven't had all the rent in yet"
S " sorry Rigsby, slipped my mind. Here we are"
Seymour hand Rigsby some notes, Rigsby takes out a grey purse, stuffed with cash.
R " been keeping it in here after last night"
S " is it wise carrying that around with you after what happened"
R " that was explained, they must have got their jackets mixed up"
Seymour shakes his head.
S " I don't trust that young man Rigsby, there's something about his features "
R " well, his eyes are a bit close together"
S " far be it for me to cast the first stone but I advise you to watch your pockets Rigsby"
Seymour puts his arm around Rigsby.
R " I'll keep an eye on him"
S " good man"
Rigsby leaves, Seymour smiles and takes Rigsby's purse out of his pocket, and helps himself.
 

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Rigsby enters the attic flat, Philip is sitting reading.
R " where is he?"
P "gone to the shop"
R " funny about last night"
P " what do you mean?"
R " funny how your wallet got into his pocket"
P " I must have got the wrong jacket"
R " funny though"
P " are you suggesting Alan took it?"
R " I don't want to cast the first stone"
P " but you're going to"
R " it does look suspicious"
P " you mean like the time your brother was caught with that sports jacket"
R " that was a misunderstanding. He only took it out of the shop to see how it looked in daylight"
P " they picked him up three streets away"
R " the light was better there. I'm not saying Alan took it deliberately, he could have had a blackout. Friend of mine had one of those, found himself outside Marks and Spencers clutching a black chiffon nightie"
P "listen Rigsby, I share a room with Alan, I trust him"
R " I still think we should keep an eye on him"
P " we're going to treat him as if nothing has happened, after all he's bound to feel awkward"
R " okay, I know, give me credit for some sensitivity"
Alan walks in
P " hello Alan"
R (stiffly) " hi Alan"
A "you've been talking about me haven't you? You think I had that wallet, you don't trust me"
P " of course we trust you"
R " absolutely, you know your trouble? You're too sensitive. We've known you long enough to trust you, I'd trust you with my money any time. Here take it"
Rigsby reaches for his purse.
R ( shouts) " it's GONE!!.He's taken it"
Rigsby grabs Alan, Philip separates them.
P " Alan hasn't got it Rigsby"
R " no no he can't have, I must have dropped it. Sorry I don't know what came over me"
A ( angry) " you don't really think that, it's going to be like this from now on, I'm going to be under constant suspicion"
Alan storms out.
P " now you've done it Rigsby"
R " I'm sorry I made a mistake"
P " Alan didn't take it, and I'll prove it"
Philip walks out.
 

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Seymour is waiting in Rigsby's room, examining a nice little china ornament which he was just about to pocket when Rigsby enters.
S " a nice piece Rigsby"
R " yes, Crown Derby, been in the family for years"
S " by the way Rigsby, I've bought those shares for you, should be through in a few days"
R " thanks Seymour, lucky you told me , I didn't even know there was any oil in the Pennines"
S " ssshh Rigsby, we don't want it to get out until we've bought the issue"
R " my lips are sealed"
S " you know this is a very well appointed room"
R " do you think so?"
S " I do, now you're going up in the world Rigsby you should do more entertaining. Have some people here for drinks, ask the mayor!"
R " the mayor!!? Do you think he'd come here"
S " he would if I asked him"
R " wow, the mayor, I'd really have made it , accepted at last. I can see myself swanning around the golf club wearing my chunky sweater, with two matching terriers, like little bookends. Just wait until I tell those two."
S " I wouldn't tell them Rigsby, you'll only arouse their envy, it's people like that who've held you back"
R " you're right, probably spoil it by coming down in their string vests"
S " leave everything to me"
Seymour leaves, Rigsby picks up his cat.
R " hear that Vienna, the mayor is coming, so don't do anything in any dark corners"
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Philip and Alan are in their room, Alan goes to the door.
P "where are you going?"
A " bathroom, is that alright, or do you think I'll steal the towels"
P " don't be ridiculous Alan"
A " you're watching me aren't you?"
P " well, yes, I'm worried about you"
A " worried about your wallet you mean"
Alan storms out.
later
In the middle of the top floor landing is a five pound note, lying on the threadbare carpet. Rigsby climbs the stairs and sees the note. He bends down to pick it up, as Philip comes out into the landing. Rigsby quickly straightens putting his foot over the money.
P " what are you doing hanging around here Rigsby?"
R " oh....erm....just looking at the paintwork, could really do with a new lick of paint, that corner up there look"
Philip turns to look ,Rigsby tries to grab note but Philip turns back, Rigsby stops bent double.
P " are you okay Rigsby?"
R " just a spasm, shrapnel causing a bit of pain"
P " why are you rubbing your leg, I thought it was in your chest"
R " er....must have moved"
P " what's that under your foot"
Rigsby lifts left leg,
R " nothing"
P " other foot Rigsby"
Rigsby feigns surprise.
R " it's a five pound note"
P " were you going to keep it "
R " absolutely not, but I shall have to hold onto it until its claimed"
P " that won't be necessary Rigsby,it's mine"
R " that's easy for you to say, now if you happened to know the number?"
P "42765489"
R ( checking) " Jesus, you don't take any chances"
Philip takes note and places it back on floor.
R " what are you doing"
P " I placed it there for Alan to find, to prove I could trust him"
R " why did you take the number then?"
P " in case someone else picked it up"
R " and you think he'll hand it in, he'll be straight to the Chinese takeaway with that"
Footsteps are heard coming up,
P " come on Rigsby, in the room"
Philip and Rigsby dive into the attic flat.
 

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It's Seymour though , he sees the note, and bends to pick it up, like Rigsby beforehand he hears footsteps and straightens , putting his foot over the money, as Alan walks up the stairs. Seymour pretends he is taking a breather, gasping heavily.
A " are you okay Seymour?"
S " touch of malaria, I'll be okay in a minute"
A " I'm sorry about accusing you , jumping to conclusions, now they suspect me"
S ' not me, I can tell by the face, anyone can see you're a decent honest young man"
A ( grinning) " well, thanks Seymour"
Alan goes into the flat, Seymour grabs money and runs into his flat.
Rigsby and Philip notice Alan's huge grin.
P." you look cheerful Alan"
A " yeah, just had a nice experience on the landing. Let's go to the Chinese takeaway"
P ( coldly) " no thanks, I've lost my appetite"
Philip leaves,
A ( to Rigsby) " what did I say?"
 

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That evening Rigsby is dressed up in suit and tie, a table of food is prepared ready for the mayor. Seymour comes in.
S " they should be here soon, everything okay"
R " yes, I've got sausages on sticks, flavoured crisps,mixed nuts, salmon sandwiches, food for the gods"
S" splendid, wait we've slipped up Rigsby, no champagne"
R " champagne! You never said anything about champagne"
S " they're bound to expect champagne, it'll be a disaster without it"
R " I've got two bottles of beer in the fridge"
S " won't do Rigsby, leave it with me, give me thirty pounds"
R " thirty!"
S " we can't do it for less, unless you want to call the whole thing off"
R " no, no, , very well "
Rigsby pulls out his shirt from his trousers, and undoes the buttons, to reveal a money belt around his waist. He opens a zipped pouch.
R " I've been keeping it in this, can't be too careful. Here, 10,20, 30 pounds."
Rigsby starts tucking his shirt back in.
S " allow me to help you"
Seymour helps tucking the shirt back in.
S " I'll be back soon Rigsby"
R " thanks Seymour, don't know what I would do without you"
Seymour leaves, goes back into his room, and pulls out the money belt from his jacket pocket, expertly removed.
 

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The door of Seymour's flat opens, Seymour creeps out, suitcases in hands.
Philip opens his door.
P " well, well, Seymour Bwana, is the great white hunter off on another safari"
S " yes old boy, darkest Birmingham, white man's grave, haha"
P " before you go what about that five pounds you owe me"
S " of course, here it is, a bit crumpled, hope that's okay old boy"
Philip takes the crumpled fiver.
P " it's a lovely five pounds"
Seymour tries to leave, Philip blocks him.
P " not going are you?"
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In Rigsby's room he notices his cat Vienna on the table nibbling at the salmon sandwiches.
R " get off you flea bitten monster, don't you have enough to eat"
The cat scarpers.
R " how can I give them to the mayor when you've been at them. Still he's not to know, must remember to keep off the salmon paste"
There's a knock on the door.
R " oh my god they're here"
Rigsby sweating nervously opens the door, only to see Philip and Alan.
R " what do you two want?"
A " having a party Rigsby"
R " what makes you say that"
A " all this food, you're not eating it all yourself are you"
R " as a matter of fact the mayor's coming, so get lost you two"
A (laughing) " the mayor eh?"
P " I suppose Seymour is invited?"
R " of course, he's just gone for the champagne"
P " well, he wont be coming, he's gone Rigsby"
R " what d' you mean?"
P " packed his bags and gone"
R "WHAT!! He has thirty pounds of mine"
Philip holds up the money belt in one hand and Rigsby's purse in the other.
P " Seymour had them, we've got most of the money back"
Rigsby slumps in the chair disconsolately.
R " oh no not Seymour, he seemed the perfect gentleman"
P " I'm sorry Rigsby, there was no manor no mayor and no champagne"
Rigsby leaps up,
R " oh god, do you think there's any oil in the Pennines "
A " what's that Rigsby?"
R " nothing nothing, ( shouts)I'LL NEVER TRUST ANYONE AGAIN"
A " you can trust us Rigsby. Now lets start on this food"
R " it doesn't bother you does it, I've just been cut to the quick"
A " life goes on Rigsby, now where shall we start?"
R ( slyly) " salmon paste is rather nice."
THE END
 
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