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Message: <blockquote data-quote="James from London" data-source="post: 184957" data-attributes="member: 22">02 May 91: KNOTS LANDING: A Horse is a Horse v. 03 May 91: DALLAS: ConundrumWhile last week's DALLAS did a satisfying job of wrapping up most of the series’ loose ends (more so, for my money, than FALCON CREST did a year ago), this week’s finale ep feels a bit like a school reunion where half the invitations have got lost in the post and the resultant celebrations have had to be cobbled together to accommodate the half dozen disparate guests who managed to show up.In a way, JR’s encounter with a magical imp who offers to shows him what life would have been like had he never been born is the equivalent of Angela’s little speech at the end of last year’s FC. Each is a tacked-on ending with a somewhat otherworldly quality — Angela’s disembodied head floating serenely above the land she loved; a morose JR journeying to an alternate universe. But whereas Angela’s soliloquy lasted but a minute or two, JR’s “vision” drags on forever. It’s not just that the feature-length finale of DALLAS is boring, it’s boring and pointless. From the outset, we know that nothing we’re about to see is real and so it can have no impact — it’s not leading anywhere, not even to Pam waking up and finding Bobby in the shower.Granted, there’s no harm in being reminded what a knockout Kristin was ten years after her death, but the fact that JR cannot interact with any of the returning characters (he’s invisible and they don’t exist) is a huge stumbling block: there’s no opportunity for dramatic tension or conflict or any of those good things that made DALLAS, and the genre that grew out of it, so edge-of-the-seat exciting in the first place. Instead, JR — Soap Land’s primary mover and shaker; a protagonist and antagonist rolled onto one — is relegated to the sidelines where his main job is to jump to the wrong conclusion. He assumes Kristin to be a hooker, and then a cop pretending to be a hooker, until it turns out she’s really a con artist pretending to be a cop pretending to be a hooker! He assumes Sue Ellen to be a newsreader until it turns out she’s an actress playing a newsreader on daytime TV! He assumes Ray to be rich until it turns out he’s poor! He assumes Cliff to be involved with the mafia until it turns out he’s Acting President of the United States! And so on.In lieu of any genuine drama, the episode falls back on broad comedic stereotypes such as the screechy-voiced airhead stripper married to Bobby or the slimy, pony-tailed agent who has bungled Sue Ellen’s acting career. You wanna know what DALLAS would be like if JR never existed? A really bad episode of FALCON CREST: The Sitcom Years, that's what.At least Cally’s storyline, which ends with her shooting her abusive husband dead, has the decency to take itself seriously — but there again, the sight of her being knocked around while her weeping children look on feels as gratuitously grim as the sob story about Ray Krebbs shuffling about with a limp and a moustache does needlessly sentimental. It’s always nice to see Steve Kanaly, but I cannot bring myself to care about how much this nonexistent version of his character is adored by his nonexistent family.Ray, Cliff, Cally, Kristin, Sue Ellen, Bobby, Gary, Val, Carter McKay and Nicholas Pearce — they’re all wheeled on and off like Special Guest Stars on an episode of THE LOVE BOAT or HOTEL, the kind of shows where no situation is so complicated it can’t be resolved in a TV hour. The kind of shows, in other words, which DALLAS, KNOTS, DYNASTY and the rest once felt like a welcome antidote to.Meanwhile on this week’s KNOTS, now that Kate’s tennis career is over, she decides to work with horses out at Gary’s ranch. This leads to an argument with her mother that recalls Blake and Krystle during DYNASTY’s Rock Hudson period. “This dream you have of making a living working with horses, it’s unrealistic!” Claudia insists. “It’s my dream,” Kate argues. Claudia also finds time to plant a few doubts in new bride Val’s mind about the nature of Gary and Kate’s relationship. “All the attention and affection that he has shown her has just been wonderful!” she faux-gushes. “I was worried that Gary had a crush on Katie … Of course, Gary is not that kind of man.” Over on Alternate DALLAS, however, Gary is most definitely “that kind of man”. Somehow, JR’s non-existence has resulted in him becoming a slick Beverly Hills divorce lawyer who beds every sexy woman that crosses his path. These include an opposing attorney who bears a striking resemblance to Diana Farrington, JR’s extra-marital fling from last season. Indeed, one of the more diverting aspects of the DALLAS finale is spotting which actors and sets have recycled from previous episodes: Cliff is now married to the psychologist whom Ray and Donna encountered in Season 6 who had previously been molested by Edgar Randolph, Bobby is now living in Val’s house from KNOTS, and Sue Ellen’s dressing room has the same distinctively carved doors that once belonged to JR’s office at JRE Industries and then to Cally’s art studio. (You know how good an episode it is when you find yourself focusing on the door carvings.)Another face from Soap Land’s past, THE COLBYS’ Neil Kitteridge (Monica’s married man from Season 1) resurfaces on KNOTS as Brian Johnston, a rampantly flirtatious architect who kisses Paige (who just kissed Steve Brewer in last week’s tricentennial ep) and then sleeps with Linda Fairgate who has just moved in with Greg.The sight of Kristin in a slinky dress notwithstanding, perhaps the highlight of the DALLAS finale is the scene where Alternate Gary meets Alternate Val for the first time and it is clearly love at first sight. “Don’t tell me he’s gonna marry her again?” JR mutters which, given Real Gary and Real Val’s re-re-marriage on last week’s KNOTS, is at least timely. Another point of interest comes when Alternate Val says to Alternate Gary, “You were recommended to me by a friend … Esther Mackenzie.” Might the implication here be that as Alternate Val never made it to Alternate Seaview Circle and so never became BFFs with Alternate Karen, she instead palled up with Alternate Mack’s alternate sister Esther?Original Mack, meanwhile, sucks on a lollipop this week for no particular reason. Perhaps it’s an in-joke reference to his days on KOJAK, just as Mark Harris and Barbara Eden on this season’s DALLAS were nods to Bobby’s time as THE MAN FROM ATLANTIS and JR’s stint on I DREAM OF JEANNIE respectively.As well as what remains of the cast of DALLAS, Nick Schillace also exits Soap Land this week. The Oceans 11-style sequence where he steals a pricelessly authentic artefact from the Sumner Group art collection is more visually impressive than anything DALLAS can muster for its final episode — and that includes the sight of Adam the imp walking on water across the Southfork pool (which actually looks more like one of Buck Henry’s hokey holograms from FALCON CREST Season 7).The one situation on DALLAS that should feel urgent — whether or not JR is about to shoot himself in the head — is stretched out for so long that when the gun finally does go off at the end of the ep, it mostly feels like an afterthought. The penultimate scene of this week’s KNOTS has a far more soap-tastic conclusion. Refusing to allow Anne Matheson to blackmail her, Claudia summons Greg and Steve to her office where she informs them that Steve’s father was, in fact, Paul Galveston. Steve then turns to his Uncle Greg. “That makes you …” he begins. “Your half-brother,” Greg replies with a smile. “What a family!” he concludes.And this week’s Top 2 are …1 (2) KNOTS LANDING2 (1) DALLAS </blockquote>

Verification: Who played Sue Ellen in Dallas?