EastEnders Who called who what and when

[James from London]

Jul 07. Jay calls Heather Kate Moss. Ian calls Heather Stan Laurel. Shirley calls Heather hypoglycaemic. Roxy calls Shirley a cow. Pat calls Shirley a devious cow. Peggy calls Pat a dirty cow. Stacey calls Big Mo a greedy cow. Lauren calls Abi a fat cow. Jay calls Yolande a black cow. Shirley calls Jay a little runt. Roxy calls Jay a little toe rag. Jase calls Jay a racist. Bert calls Jay an absolute disgrace. Jay calls Bert a stupid old man. Ben calls Marge and Marge II stupid guinea pigs. Abi calls Ben stupid and far too nice sometimes. Stella calls Aunt Sal a stupid stupid woman. Aunt Sal calls Stella a nutcase. Stella calls Kathy dead in the ground. Stella calls Ben a snivelling little coward, a selfish little show-off and a bit nerdy with his glasses and his silly haircut. Stella calls Shirley a cheap filthy dried up old bag and a tart. Minty calls Max a big tart. Tanya calls herself the tart that broke up Max's marriage. Phil calls Tanya sick. Ronnie calls Ian a sicko and a perv. Peggy calls Stella sick, a bitch and an evil woman. Phil calls Stella a freak, a child abuser and a bunny boiling nut job who pretends to be scared as a mouse but really she goes round torturing little children. Roxy calls Stella a tranny. Ian calls Stella not the prettiest chocolate in the box but she's far too good for Phil. Ian calls Phil Walford’s answer to Henry VIII. Chelsea calls Sean Walford's own Jean-Claude Van Damme. Sean calls Jean crazy. Max calls Jean a loony. Stacey calls Max a snake in a cheap suit. Max calls himself the one Stacey loves. Max calls Bradley second best. Dot calls Bradley and Stacey starry-eyed lovers as ever she saw them. Abi calls Bradley the best brother in the world. Abi calls Lauren officially the sister from hell. Tanya calls Abi dippy. Tanya calls Sean creepy. Roxy calls Sean tasty but trouble - the perfect combination. Roxy calls Deano pretty but dumb - the perfect combination. Jane and Ian get spliced. Lauren gets menstrual. Stella does a backflip off the factory roof.

 

[James from London]

Aug 96. Dan calls Albert Square an armpit of a place. Bianca calls Dan a prat and a plonker. Mel calls Dan an obnoxious little prat and pathetic. Tony calls Dan Mr Big and a bastard. Sarah calls Dan sick and a bit childish. Dan calls Sarah Mother Teresa, a nutcase, a Moonie, a do-gooder, a Jesus freak, a flaming loony tune and the Virgin Mary. Tony calls Sarah fifteen and potty on God. Joe calls God a twelve-year-old kid playing with a Gameboy. Dan calls Joe a flaming fruitcake magnet. David calls Joe a complicated kid. David calls his relationship with Cindy a complete mess. Joe calls Cindy daft. Lorraine calls Cindy a poor cow. Sonia calls Sanjay cute, kind, brilliant, thoughtful and generous. Sanjay calls Sonia the prettiest girl at the underage disco. Gita calls Sanjay Peter Stringfellow. Phil calls Ben Chubby Chops. Peggy calls Phil a cheeky monkey, a great lump and a good boy really. Bianca calls Ricky so sweet she could eat him. Mark calls himself angry, alone, selfish, scared and some sort of freak. Tiffany calls Derren Litten a pea brain. Derren Litten calls Tiffany a lesbian. Tony kisses Simon. Archie from Emmerdale Farm beats up Dan. Tony sells Eddie Marsan a crap drug.

 

[James from London]

Jan 12. Max calls Pat a sick woman. Tanya calls Pat a dying woman. Derek calls Pat an old tart. Tanya calls Derek an evil little freak. Shirley calls Derek a proper little gossip. Derek calls David a dead man, a slime ball and a problem that's got to be sorted out. Michael calls Derek a toilet of a man, a scum bag no mark and a nutter. Michael calls Janine twisted. Pat calls Janine the only little girl she ever really had. Les calls Pat Her Majesty, a very very special lady and one of the great ladies of the East End. Reverend Stevens calls Pat a well-respected and much-loved member of the community. David calls Pat a romantic. Alfie calls Pat a hell raiser. Janine calls Pat an old cow and the closest thing she had to a mum. Mandy calls Pat a right old cow and a one off. Bianca calls Pat a star in the sky looking down on Morgan. Bianca calls Morgan's dad Barack Obama. David calls Morgan a friendly little fella. David calls Tiffany a little cracker. David calls his grandchildren lovely little surprises that he never expected. Derek calls David and Carol a revolting sight. David calls Derek a moron. Carol calls Derek cruel. Carol calls Ricky a stupid man but a good man. Ricky calls David the man who's cheated on every bird he's ever been with. Mandy calls having it off with Ricky brilliant. Ricky calls having it off with Mandy a mistake. Bianca calls Mandy a cheap little whore and an oversexed teenaged scrubber that's never grown up. Lucy calls Mandy a scrubber, a pound shop femme fatale and Mrs Beale Mark V. Lucy calls Bobby one lame haircut away from skinny jeans-era Peter.

 

[James from London]

Aug 07. Rainie calls Tanya's knockers fabulous. Sean calls Charlie's life pointless. Ronnie calls Ian's fish dodgy. Ronnie calls Roxy's arse sorry. Ronnie calls Roxy a waster, a limpet and the most selfish self obsessed person she's ever met. Roxy calls herself a cheap little slapper. Sean calls himself a useless piece of filth. Minty calls himself a bit old for clubbing. Heather calls herself skint, a chav, a heffalump in a dress and not even good enough to sell cheese. Craig calls himself a noble warrior. Ian calls himself magnanimous in victory. Ian calls Craig scum, a little sod and a threat to his daughter. Lucy calls Ian sick, a hypocrite and a spineless drip. Ronnie calls Ian smug, petty and a bad liar. Jane calls Ronnie a bleached blonde bimbo. Ronnie calls Craig a cheeky beggar. Patrick calls Craig a wide boy. Jay calls Patrick a grumpy old scrote. Patrick calls Carly a thoughtless young girl. Jane calls Lucy an intelligent girl. Tanya calls Rainie an intelligent woman. Ian calls Jane a very wicked woman. Patrick calls Yolande a sensible reliable conscientious woman. Sean calls Yolande the voice of the moral bleeding majority. Yolande calls Sean a lunatic. Chelsea calls Sean a lunatic and a coward. Denise calls Sean a maniac and a thug. Gus calls Sean a madman and a nutter. Deano calls Sean a nutter and a head case. Charlie calls Sean a vicious little sod who gets his kicks from treating everyone like dirt. Sean calls Chelsea an evil cow. Stacey calls Chelsea an evil twisted cow. Chelsea calls Stacey a stupid cow and a violent racist. Shirley calls Dawn a scheming cow, a chav and a tart. Shirley calls Heather a moany cow and her best mate. Heather calls I'm Your Man by Wham her favourite.

 

[James from London]

Sept 96. Sonia calls metal detecting naff. Cindy calls David her one chance of happiness. Kathy calls Cindy a little tart. Ian calls Cindy a lying cow and another notch on David's bedpost. Cindy calls Ian vile, sick, crazy and a rotten pig. Cindy calls herself trapped, frightened, desperate and a prisoner in her own home. Ian calls David a poser, a playboy and a bastard who's done nothing but abandon kids all his life. David calls himself a different person nowadays. David calls Ian a little git. David calls Barry a stupid git and a good lad. Barry calls David a busy bloke and a dark horse. Ian calls Barry short and squat with dark hair. Kathy calls David selfish. Gita calls David weak. Joe calls David evil. David calls Joe filthy. Lorraine calls David a great one for lashing out at other people. Grant calls Tiffany a devious little cow. Peggy calls Tiffany's unborn child no more Grant's than it is the man in the moon's. Tiffany calls her unborn child Peggy's flesh and blood whether she believes it or not. Phil calls Peggy a stupid old cow. Grant calls Phil a lazy sod. Ted calls Phil a lush, a layabout and a liar. Kathy calls Phil an alcoholic. Tiffany calls her boyfriend snogging her brother the worst thing anyone's ever done to her. Simon calls Tiffany a drama queen. Bianca calls Simon a pig. Phil calls Tony a druggy shirt-lifter. Alistair calls Tony and Simon beyond redemption. Alistair calls homosexuality totally immoral and the greatest of evils. Sarah calls homosexuality terrible and unnatural. Ted calls homosexuality disgusting and unnatural. Ted calls himself a total failure as a father. Tony calls Ted a dinosaur. Tony calls Night of The Living Dead a classic film. The Walford Gazette call Robbie, Wellard and Felix Jewellery Haul Heroes. Phil sort of accidentally pushes Kathy into a door. Cindy hires a hit man.

 

[James from London]

Aug 04. Jane calls Adam Ant gorgeous. Ian calls Jane Picasso. Kat calls Zoe Miss Marple. Alfie calls Kat and Zoe Thelma & Louise. Sally calls Den Peter Stringfellow. Den calls Chrissie Mike Tyson. Den calls the back room of the launderette not exactly Narnia. Andy calls Den a worm. Den calls Andy a thug. Den calls love a myth cooked up by women to keep men in tow. Dennis calls Den a cynic, a relic and an old man all alone. Pat calls Den a pathetic old has been. Den calls Pat a washed up old bag who wouldn't think twice about selling her mates down the river for a couple of thousand pounds. Dot calls Den pigheaded, a marauding baboon and unrepentant to the last gasp even if it means cutting off his nose to spite his face. Den calls Dot a deranged Christian who's watched too much David Attenborough. Chrissie calls Den a figment of his own imagination and a 58 year old man who is so busy living up to people's expectations of him he's missing out on the things that are important in his life. Dot calls herself 68 years old and frightened, and the luckiest woman alive to have a man like Jim. Jim calls himself the luckiest man alive and slightly drunk. Jim calls Zulu his favourite film. Jim calls Dot the light of his life and a dozy mare. Dot calls Jim Methuselah and a great oaf. Jim calls Dot's face as long as Southend Pier. Big Mo calls Jim's backside saggy and old. Jim calls Big Mo a clumsy old bat. Alfie calls Big Mo Walford's very own whirlwind. Pauline calls Den a two timing waste of space. Martin calls Pauline an expert in the Black Arts. Dot calls Mr Opper Dopper a very charming Greek gentleman. Dot calls Death a door what we all have to go through. Dennis calls Dot ill. Den hits Dennis. Dennis hits Andy. Zoe hits Andy. Kat beats up a mockney. Den kicks Billy up the arse.

 

[James from London]

Dec 88. Nick calls Albert Square a sentimental load of old rhubarb. Mr Karim calls Walford a very wicked place. Mrs Karim calls Shireen a spoilt little English girl. Pauline calls Den a disease. Den calls Pauline Old Pie & Mash Face. Den calls the prison art teacher a do-gooder, a tart and a scrubber. Dr Legg calls the surgery Xmas party the worst sort of degradation he's been witness to in years.

 

[James from London]

Feb 12. Fatboy calls Whitney a sket. Cora calls a sket a courtesan. Dot calls a courtesan Pat Butcher in the '80s. Dot calls Rose carnal, a bigamist and a guest in a Christian household. Cora calls Rose tight as a gnat's backside and a desperate old tart. Cora calls Lucy a right little madam. Tanya calls Lucy a bit up herself but life will knock that out of her one way or another. Tyler calls Lucy a proper feminist. Andrew calls Thelma and Louise feminist claptrap. Amira calls Lady and the Tramp totally unhygienic. Amira calls Anthony not old enough, not rich enough, not Muslim enough. Andrew calls Kim not exactly Alisha Dixon. Andrew calls Heather everything he's ever dreamed of. Tyler calls Whitney the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Whitney calls Tyler the most annoying person she's ever met. Derek calls Tyler a clever boy. Derek calls Michael a pretty boy. Derek calls himself a sucker for a pretty face. Derek calls Jack a sucker for a pair of pins and a bit of cleavage. Rose calls Andrew a sucker for a lost cause. Rose calls Heather an unmarried mother the wrong side of forty throwing herself at the first man that gives her a second glance. Shirley calls Heather the only one left that Ben trusts. Ben calls Phil a pitbull with no teeth stuck in a cage for years and years going nowhere until he dies. Abi calls life rubbish and then you die. Derek calls Igglepiggle dead. Derek calls Roxy a ballsy little cow. Shirley calls herself a drunk washed-up old cow with no family and nowhere to call home. Cora calls herself a volunteer in a charity shop. Tamwar calls himself gorgeous in the hideously deformed Elephant Man sense. Dot calls Fatboy's tracksuits snazzy.

 

[James from London]

Oct 96. Terry calls Simon a stinking disgusting pervert. Terry calls Tiffany a little slut, a stupid tart and a great one for clubs and discos. Tiffany calls Grant a gorilla. Carol calls Grant a thug. Peggy calls Grant a mug. David calls Grant mad, ridiculous, a nutter and the bloke who used to hit his wife. Grant calls David pathetic, spineless, not very popular and a worthless git. Pat calls David a liar, a cheat, a bastard, no son of hers and not fit to breathe the same air as Bianca and Joe. David calls himself and Pat as rotten as each other. Gita calls David the kid at school who breaks everyone's toys because he can't have them for himself. Ian calls David the worst father of all time. David calls Ian a savage little sod. David calls Ian and Cindy not exactly Terry and June. Sanjay calls Cindy a maniac. Barry calls Cindy out of control. Kathy calls Cindy capable of anything. David calls Cindy stupid and a good mum. Cindy calls herself scared, stupid, blind, ashamed, desperate and not a vindictive person. Phil calls himself not much of a brother lately. Grant calls Phil not much of an anything lately. Sonia calls Nigel bonkers. Ian gets shot. Hal Cruttenden makes sympathetic noises. Cindy escapes on the Eurostar with two of her kids.

 

[James from London]

Sept 07. Jay calls Libby a geek. Jay calls Ben a brain box. Jay calls Roxy that fit bird from the pub. Roxy calls Ben the phantom bra swiper. Ben calls Roxy totally rubbish. Abi calls Roxy the best babysitter ever. Ronnie calls Roxy a terrible liar. Ronnie calls Peggy a proper little martyr. Phil calls Ronnie and Roxy the Chuckle Sisters. Shirley calls Phil some drunk rambling on. Shirley calls Sean Walford's answer to Nelson Mandela. Sean calls Jesus a bloke who knew what He was talking about. Deano calls Sean a psycho. Chelsea calls Deano a backstabbing little worm, a two-faced lowlife loser and a brainless spineless git-faced lump of spew. Kevin calls Deano a brainless plank, a senseless idiot and a frightened little boy. Libby calls Deano a lying snake and a treacherous craven pig. Sean calls Deano young, fresh faced, pretty and willing. Deano calls Lucy the little kid that knows he lied. Pat calls Lucy a right little fantasy merchant. Jane calls Lucy an ASBO teen. Lucy calls Ian a creep, a joke, a terrible dad and a wimp who comes home smelling of chip fat. Ian calls Lucy a selfish little brat, thirteen and crazy. Craig calls Lucy a crazy bad girl. Jane calls Ian a crazy man, a pig and a horrible horrible little toad. Gina calls Ian a dull vain insecure little man labouring under the illusion he amounts to something. Ian calls Gina a certifiable nutcase and absolutely barking mad. Jane calls Gina a nut job and a sad old cow. Lucy calls Jane a drippy cow. Denise calls Chelsea a spoilt selfish heartless little cow. Queenie calls Heather silly cow, a fat ugly pig and a stupid great lump. Chelsea slaps Deano. Sean scalps Chelsea. Sean flushes Deano's head down the bog. Phil falls in a cake.

 

[James from London]

Sept 04. Keith calls Minty Monty. Garry calls Demi a dummy. Darren calls Demi all sprogged up. Pauline calls Demi a pregnant thirteen year old. Pauline calls Albert Square a lunatic asylum. Demi calls Paul mental mental chicken oriental. Keith calls Pauline an alpha female. Rosie calls Pauline a sex mad blonde, a filthy dirty slapper and an evil mouthed bitch. Minty calls smelly trumps not very attractive. Martin calls Sonia a massive Abba fan. Sonia calls Martin a dipstick. Juley calls Gus a dutty little pig and a bless head. Juley calls Kareena physically tremendous. Kareena calls herself a rampant virgin. Kareena calls Captain Corelli's Mandolin her favourite book ever. Kareena calls Sasha an ex-pole dancer with a boa constrictor for a pet. Peggy calls Andy the Prince of Darkness. Andy calls Fake Sam a cash dispenser. Peggy calls Fake Sam a stupid little girl. Peggy calls Billy an ungrateful little git. Andy calls Billy a bitter little freak and a sad little nobody. Billy calls Minty a dozy little grease monkey and a spineless git. Minty calls himself a pathetic whinging loser. Andy calls Minty a fat loser with attitude. Mickey calls himself an expert on the art of birds. Mickey calls himself and Juley Lords of the Bling. Sharon calls herself and Chrissie a couple of sad thirtysomethings desperate to relive their misspent youth. Jane calls Huntington's a genetic disease. Jane calls David very ill but conscious. Jim calls himself a bag of skin and veins. Pat calls Peggy Zsa Zsa Gabor. Peggy calls herself 62 years old and proud of it. Jim calls Ian a 73 year old bloke in a young bloke's body. Alfie calls Ibiza Margate with palm trees. Dennis calls Nana Moon's version of My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean a dodgy remix. Andy hits Ian. Ian hits Andy. Fake Sam marries Andy. Pauline gets an eyeful of Keith's arse crack.

 

[James from London]

Jan 89. Ali calls Pat a slag of a barmaid. Pat calls Ali a greasy little Turk. Pete calls Mr Karim Omar Sharif. Pete calls Ian a disgrace to his family and his class. Ian calls Pete the biggest hypocrite that's walked the earth. Willmott Brown calls Kath a conniving bitch. Pat hits Wicksy. Cindy pulls Donna's hair. Matthew marries Carmel then strangles her. Michelle makes Mark Strong a coffee.

 

[James from London]

Jan 10. Denise calls Zainab murderous. Christian calls Zainab ridiculous. Zainab calls Syed a pretty Pakistani boy. Zainab calls Christian promiscuous and predatory. Jane calls Christian a lecherous freak of nature. Tamwar calls Christian a friend of Dorothy. Tamwar calls 'friend of Dorothy' a sort of euphemism. Lucy calls Tamwar an idiot. Lucy calls Zsa Zsa a skank. Lauren calls Zsa Zsa a skank and a tramp. Fatboy calls Zsa Zsa a skank, a ho, a skanky ho, a smurfette and a psycho. Leon calls Zsa Zsa a crackhead. Andy calls Zsa Zsa a little whore just like her bike of a mother. Fatboy calls his mother some yatty. Fatboy calls Ian Klu Klux and a blatant racist. Fatboy calls Masood Slumdog. Glenda calls Peggy Tweety Pie. Peggy calls herself and the Vic Chas & Dave. Christian calls Roxy Queen of the Vic. Bianca calls Roxy Walford's answer to Paris Hilton. Roxy calls Janine a money grabbing cow. Ronnie calls Janine a conniving cow. Phil calls Glenda some daft cow they ain't seen in years. Zsa Zsa calls Tina a lying cow. Zsa Zsa calls having it off on her father's grave so wrong. Zsa Zsa calls Shirley lesbionic. DCI Marsden calls Shirley a slave to the launderette. Lucy calls Shirley a chain-smoking old boot. Shirley calls Janine the one that killed Archie Mitchell. Max calls Ben the prime suspect. Max calls Big Mo a mouthy mare. Mercy calls Big Mo a woman who looks like Churchill. Fatboy calls Mercy vex, sweet cheeks, his bredren, a skep and just another baby mama. Mercy calls Leon Fatboy's new man crush.

 

[James from London]

Oct 07. Lucy calls Walford the most boring place in the universe. Dawn calls Walford not exactly the most happening place in London but, you know, it's cheap and cheerful. Garry calls himself Walford's finest specimen. Roxy calls Minty and Hazel Walford's answer to Peter Andre and Jordan. Minty calls himself Homer Simpson on a bad day. Shirley calls Heather Baby Jane. Phil calls Roxy Calamity Jane and one of the Village People. Charlie calls Roxy Patsy Cline. Peggy calls Roxy Lola the Showgirl. Sean calls Ronnie and Roxy the Glitter Sisters. Ian calls Ronnie and Roxy a pair of toxic barbie dolls. Shirley calls Vinnie Norman Wisdom and the dozy twonk what run her over. Peggy calls Vinnie a cut above Shirley's usual. Peggy calls Pat the founder member of the Shirley Carter Fan Club. Pat calls The Wizard of Oz Harry Potter with some lovely tunes and very small acrobats. Pat calls Steven a little lost soul. Lauren calls Steven lush. Jane calls Steven a godsend, a bit odd, vicious and twisted. Ian calls Steven a vicious twisted selfish little git and completely barking mad. Steven calls Ian a man that chokes the life out of everything. Steven calls himself a Wicks not a Beale. Jay calls himself one of them child prodigies. Peggy calls herself £40,00 in debt. Heather calls herself a professional checkout operative with five years experience and good at nicking shoplifters. Tamwar calls himself Muslim. Chelsea calls Tamwar a geek. Chelsea calls Carly a squealing pig and a twisted bitch. Chelsea calls Libby a stupid cow. Lucy calls Jane a stupid cow. Roxy calls Ronnie a stupid cow. Ronnie calls Roxy an ungrateful cow and a lying cow. Ian calls Cindy an evil cow and a murdering cow. Kevin calls Zainab a total cow and a horrible woman. Stacey calls Chelsea a coldhearted cow and so far up herself she'd come out the other end. Stacey calls Max sick. Jack calls Max impotent. Max calls Sean a cockroach under his shoe. Max calls Jim's stroke divine intervention. Bradley marries Stacey. Deano goes on Strictly Come Dancing. Steven shoots Jane's womb off.

 

[James from London]

Feb 89. Pete calls Kathy a bitch and Michelle a cow. Ian calls Pete a complete and utter waster. Dot calls Junior a pint sized lager lout. Junior calls himself a poor little black boy. Rod rescues Donna from a gang rape, hits her in the face and calls her a stupid cow. Pete stabs a loaf of bread and runs over Roly. Trevor hangs himself. Colin gets MS and moves to Bristol. Den dies his first death.

 

[James from London]

Mar 12. Phil calls Ian a snivelling little weasel. Shirley calls Ian a weaselly man. Ian calls Phil a sad pathetic man. Shirley calls Ben a pathetic little prat. Ben calls Ian pathetic and a grass. Phil calls Ben a dirty little grass. Jenkins calls Devon a filthy little grass. Jenkins calls Phil a dead man. Jean calls Ian a Pisces. Ian calls Tiffany feral. Lorraine calls Ian that ginger bloke from the chippy and Mr Moneybags. Tamwar calls Ali Mr Cheekbones. Roxy calls Derek Mr Fruit Loops. Derek calls Cora a woman who can hold her liquor. Max calls Cora the owner of the mouth that is doing his nut in and a sanctimonious old bag. Andrew calls Rose an interfering old bag. Dot calls Rose a scarlet woman. Dot calls herself relatively concrete on her favourite colour. Roxy calls herself a skanky old tart. Ian calls himself a dad who's had a son turn against him and do something so awful that he thought he was never going to forgive him. Tamwar calls himself a deformed husband. Amira calls herself a bad mother. Zainab calls herself a bad person. Kim calls Zainab a good woman who chose a very very bad man. Kim calls the Masoods the Badmoods. Denise calls Zainab Joyful Jamila. Christian calls Amira J-Lo. Lucy calls Max Gollum. Devon calls Phil Batman, only white and bald. Derek calls Heather Nelly the Elephant. Lola calls Heather a hippo. Jay calls Heather Ben's special fwend. Rose calls Shirley that scrag end Heather calls a best mate. Heather calls Ben a frightened little boy. Cora calls Heather's wedding dress a work of art. Kim calls Heather's death tragic. DCI Marsden calls Heather's death a sad business. DCI Marsden calls DS Rufus the best man for the job. Jean calls Andrew a poor man lost in an endless sea of whirling emptiness. Alfie calls Andrew a murdering so and so. Phil calls Andrew collateral damage. Shirley calls Andrew a pudding and a vicious thug. Shirley calls Mandy an evil little cow. Ian calls Lorraine a vicious evil old cow. Lorraine calls Michael all that and a bag of chips. Bianca calls Lent a religious thing where you give things up to be religious.

 

[James from London]

Nov 96. Peggy calls the lump in her breast probably nothing. Peggy calls Grant a complete nutcase. Joe calls Grant Satan. Grant calls Joe one sandwich short of a picnic. Phil calls Joe the Bolton Fruitcake. David calls Joe a sick kid, very disturbed and stark raving mad. Phil calls Ben the healthiest kid on the Square. Bianca calls her family a bunch of weirdos. Bianca calls Ricky really stupid sometimes. Bianca calls David a toe-rag, a stupid idiot, damaged goods and a great dad. David calls Bianca the best thing that ever happened to him. Carol calls David her first love and a silly old sod. David calls himself weak, evil and a failure. Pat calls David scum, no good and a curse on her life since the day he was born. Barry calls Pat a colossus. Ian calls Gita a liar. Ruth calls Mark a Sassenach. Nigel calls Jean Claude Van Damme Belgian. Pat marries Roy. Grant marries Tiffany. Kathy is the first character to mention the internet. David drives off into the night, not to be seen again for another sixteen years.

 

[James from London]

Oct 04. Keith calls Demi and Darren herberts. Garry calls Demi and Darren poltergeists. Jim calls Demi and Darren the toe rag twins. Charlie calls Demi and Darren something coughed up by the Devil. Rosie calls Darren a stupid little twerp. Darren calls Demi a big fat lump. Darren calls Big Mo a silly old bat. Demi calls Big Mo a devious cow. Pauline calls Demi a brave little girl. Ray calls Demi's baby another scummy little Miller. Dot calls the Millers not much wanted round here. Rosie calls Dot a viper. Keith calls Dot a local celebrity. Keith calls the mayfly's existence short and fascinating. Alfie calls Keith the Heathcliff of Walford. Vicki calls Dot the Wild Washerwoman of Walford. Alfie calls Kat absolutely paralytic, a complete mess and the only girl who can turn up at a barn dance wearing white stilettos. Alfie calls Spencer Mini Beale, Gordon Gekko and as much fun as a piranha in a children's paddling pool. Alfie calls Zoe a complete cow. Zoe calls Alfie a grumpy git. Alfie calls Garry a male Dot but not quite as good looking. Garry calls Gina a little minxtress. Gina calls Digby the Biggest Dog in the World brilliant. Gina calls Jensen Button amazing. Billy calls Jensen Button a bit warm. Billy calls Raging Bull a blinding film. Zoe calls Raging Bull Dennis's favourite ever movie. Zoe calls Kat's bladder the size of a pingpong ball. Kat calls Zoe a rapist's kid, nothing but a curse and the biggest regret of her life. Jim calls Genghis the Hound of the Baskervilles. Jim calls Sarah a nutter. Sonia calls Sarah a sad nutter. Alfie calls Sarah a mental bird. Martin calls Sarah mental, mad, obsessed and dangerous. Kareena calls herself not actually a Muslim. Zoe hits Alfie. Adi hits Ronny. Sasha hits Adi. Sarah stabs Martin. Sonia whacks Sarah upside the head with Pauline's fruit bowl. Betty craps on the floor of the Vic.

 

[James from London]

Oct 13. Sharon calls Michael a bit weird. Tamwar calls himself really weird. Tamwar calls Michael and Janine really really weird. Janine calls Tamwar that weird little boyfriend of Alice's. Alice calls Michael weird. Michael calls Alice Derek's pathetic and feeble progeny. Janine calls Alice a very sweet innocent slightly pathetic child. Alfie calls Michael a pathetic twisted bloke. Michael calls Janine pathetic, weak, deranged, revolting, a monster, an animal and a poisonous little woman. Janine calls Michael a messed-up abandoned scared little boy who's still crying over his mother's dead body. Janine calls Tyler amoeba boy. Michael calls Jack monkey boy. Michael calls Joey a monkey with shoes. Lucy calls Danny Joey Essex. Michael calls Danny a weasel. Cora calls Max and Kirsty her weasel ex-son-in-law and his Afghan hound of a wife. Cora calls donating a kidney the biggest mistake of Dexter’s young life. Sadie calls Kim the loudest thing on the market. Danny calls Scarlett the cutest kid in Walford. Sharon calls David Walford's very own Casanova. Whitney calls Sharon a mad mother. Whitney calls Denny a nasty evil little piece of work. Dot calls Kim a sneering little litter-bug. Kim calls herself the only chance that this Square has got. Kirsty calls Lauren the only one holding it together. Fatboy calls Poppy the only one he wants to be with. Fatboy calls the Vic a premium lady magnet. Fatboy calls Miss Teen Vic a bit of silliness. Poppy calls Miss Teen Vic sexist. Kim calls Miss Teen Vic ageist. Alice calls Miss Teen Vic demeaning to women. Tamwar calls Fatboy's big long face demeaning to humanity. Tamwar calls himself and Alice two North Poles (they repel each other). Alice hits Michael. Jack hits the road and don’t come back no more no more no more no more (well, not for a couple of years anyway).

 

[James from London]

Nov 07. Lauren calls cars peng. Lauren calls polar bears boring. Bradley calls himself boring, sentimental and the assistant market inspector. Billy calls Bradley a Star Wars fan. Abi calls Lauren evil. Max calls Lauren a liability. Lauren calls Max embarrassing. Sean calls Max a scum bag. Max calls Sean insane, a psycho and a miserable unhappy git. Bradley calls Sean a freak and a nutter. Ian calls Jean a nutter. Jean calls Sean her brave little soldier. Charlie calls Sean a spineless gutless little runt. Sean calls Charlie Fat Boy. Charlie calls Stacey a nightmare, nothing but trouble and one of his own. Bradley calls Stacey the best looking girl on the Square. Stacey calls herself a dirty sneaky little whore and liar. Jean calls Big Mo a shocking liar and spiteful. Jean calls Max a bit look-down-your-nose. Max calls himself down with the kids and the worst dad there's ever been. Jase calls himself no good at being a dad and no good at being a person. Jay calls Jase a violent nutcase. Bird calls Jase a spineless cripple. Phil calls Jase Bruce Lee one day, Bob the Builder the next. Ian calls Jase a gorilla. Ian calls the Mitchells a monosyllabic cave-dwelling freak show of a family. Ian calls Billy the biggest moron he has ever met and living round here, that is really saying something. Billy calls Peggy the Mother Teresa of Walford and a hypocrite. Billy calls himself a grown man trying to make ends meet dressed like an elf. Kevin calls himself a tatty second hand car dealer selling tatty second hand cars. Steven calls himself a figment of his own imagination. Deano calls himself the new daddy on the wing. Garry calls himself the best mum cusser in his year. Roxy calls herself Director of Banging Tunes. Roxy calls Ronnie's bangers the only security she'll ever need. Roxy and Ronnie call their new club R&R. Dawn calls Ronnie a scrawny cow. Dawn calls Roxy a silly cow. Roxy calls Dawn a dozy cow. Shirley calls Heather a backstabbing cow. Dawn calls Shirley a dried up old prune sucking on a lemon. Pat calls Shirley hostage to her own bitterness, a raddled old trout and an emotional black hole that will suck the life out of anyone unfortunate enough to get too close. Shirley calls Pat God's gift to walruses. Shirley calls Vinnie a lying manipulative scum bag just like all the rest of them. Vinnie calls Mike Tyson a wallflower compared to Shirley. Roxy slaps Ronnie. Tanya slaps Ian. Everyone slaps Jase.